Instant/old coffee and packaged sticky buns?
NO! 5 NINJA STARS FOR YOU!
Abused fruit and Costco croissants?
NO! 5 NINJA STARS FOR YOU!
Hot eggs, sausage, fresh fruit, make your own waffles and a variety of healthy cereals?
I kill you only one time with 1 ninja star!
Well done! But still you are dead. In your next life you may demonstrate how you have learned.
Full service buffet included with omelet station?
0 Ninja stars for you!Also, I'm moving in and will probably try to form at least a common law relationship with your hotel. That way, when you try to kick me out, I'll take the buffet with me, bitches! You can keep the rest; what do I need 120 queen sized beds for? Other than being able to build the best fort ever, I see no use for that many. Actually, wait. I've changed my mind about the fort. I'm taking everything, bitches!
Also, I'll be mad about the breakup, so now you get 5 ninja stars! HA HA!
As I was getting around to saying, the hotel I've been staying in lately has a decent spread.
• Hot coffee all day
• Lots of healthy cereals to choose from,
• Fresh waffles that you re-heat by toasting,
• Toast for toasting,
• Fresh fruit for fruiting,
• Hard boiled eggs,
• The breakfast room is large, and can fit about 40 people without feeling crowded.
• The breakfast room is large and can fit 40 people. That's 40 people who can watch me make an ass of myself in whichever manner I chose on a given day.
• Chocolate cup-cakes masquerading as muffins. Common people! Muffins don't come in chocolate. They come with grains and flaxy make-you-poop things in them.
• Packaged bananas. It's weird. I'm pretty sure bananas come in wrappers already, I don't know why we need to add plastic to the mix.
I'd give them 0.5 Ninja stars for the whole deal. Half a ninja star would irritate you, and remind you who is in charge.
There was, however, an incident recently that has given me just cause to downgrade them to 6 Ninja stars. I KILL THEM 6 TIMES!!!
It all started with the hard boiled eggs. The hard boiled eggs are usually sitting on ice so they require microwaving to warm them (as opposed to rubbing them together as one would with hands or sticks; this would probably end up being fairly messy).
The microwave has a warning posted it (I'm paraphrasing):
Since exploding eggs are number 7 on my list of rational fears, I always elect to use 17 seconds for my eggs, and not a second more.
On this particular day, after 17 seconds of trying to look as cool as one can while standing near a microwave, I took my eggy treat and marched to my seat. I smiled serenely at the other people in the room, proud of myself for mastering egg microwaving, and walking back to my seat without tripping. I stopped just short of giving a queenly wave.
All was calm.
Delicately, I shoved half the egg into my mouth and sunk in my teeth. The only warning of impending doom was a faint psssshhhtt sound. It was a soft, delicate, lady goose type sound. I was 40 percent sure that my back end wasn't responsible, so I pulled the egg away from my gob so I could look around accusingly at my fellow breakfasters. That's when all hell broke loose.
As soon as the egg was a suitable distance away, it exploded, venting it's yolky spleen all over my face. There were egg bits everywhere. In my hair. In my eye lashes. In my dignity.
The sound I made was comparable to a clarinet being played by squeaky toy, which was sufficient to attracted the attention of everyone in the vicinity, so there were plenty of witnesses when I pulled a large yolk nugget from my left nostril.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to let you know that there is no possible way to make a dignified exit from a situation involving that much egg yolk.
Especially when you are dressed as a ninja.