Thursday, March 29, 2012

Breakfast Buffet Ninja Kills You Five Times

I stay in hotels once in a while (plus or minus a whole lot).  Being away from home means a lot of my money is spent in restaurants on food that starts to taste the same, no matter which restaurant you are at.  Because I am a cheap mister-fucker, I try to eat as many free meals as I can so I can avoid restaurants, save money, and (I wish) save pounds.  As a result I've become ninja at raiding the complementary breakfasts at whichever hotel I'm staying at.  The ninja part isn't necessary, considering the food is included, but I like the costume.  It's got a lot of give.

abstract art ninja
Buffet Ninja
After many years of continental breakfasts, I consider myself a bit of a connoisseur.  I have a 5 ninja star rating system.  5 ninja stars means you are dead, 0 stars means you live.

Instant/old coffee and packaged sticky buns?

Abused fruit and Costco croissants?

Plus one more for abusing fruit.

Hot eggs, sausage, fresh fruit, make your own waffles and a variety of healthy cereals?

I kill you only one time with 1 ninja star!
Well done!  But still you are dead.  In your next life you may demonstrate how you have learned.

Full service buffet included with omelet station?
0 Ninja stars for you!
Also, I'm moving in and will probably try to form at least a common law relationship with your hotel.  That way, when you try to kick me out, I'll take the buffet with me, bitches!  You can keep the rest; what do I need 120 queen sized beds for?  Other than being able to build the best fort ever, I see no use for that many.  Actually, wait.  I've changed my mind about the fort.  I'm taking everything, bitches!

Also, I'll be mad about the breakup, so now you get 5 ninja stars!  HA HA!

As I was getting around to saying, the hotel I've been staying in lately has a decent spread.    

The Good:
• Hot coffee all day
• Lots of healthy cereals to choose from,
• Fresh waffles that you re-heat by toasting,
• Toast for toasting,
• Fresh fruit for fruiting,
• Hard boiled eggs,
• The breakfast room is large, and can fit about 40 people without feeling crowded. 

The Bad:
• The breakfast room is large and can fit 40 people. That's 40 people who can watch me make an ass of myself in whichever manner I chose on a given day.
• Chocolate cup-cakes masquerading as muffins.  Common people!  Muffins don't come in chocolate.  They come with grains and flaxy make-you-poop things in them. 
• Packaged bananas.  It's weird.  I'm pretty sure bananas come in wrappers already, I don't know why we need to add plastic to the mix.  

Overall Rating:

I'd give them 0.5 Ninja stars for the whole deal.  Half a ninja star would irritate you, and remind you who is in charge.
There was, however, an incident recently that has given me just cause to downgrade them to 6 Ninja stars.  I KILL THEM 6 TIMES!!!

The Incident:
It all started with the hard boiled eggs.  The hard boiled eggs are usually sitting on ice so they require microwaving to warm them (as opposed to rubbing them together as one would with hands or sticks; this would probably end up being fairly messy).

The microwave has a warning posted it (I'm paraphrasing):

warning note, passive agressive note

Since exploding eggs are number 7 on my list of rational fears, I always elect to use 17 seconds for my eggs, and not a second more.

On this particular day, after 17 seconds of trying to look as cool as one can while standing near a microwave, I took my eggy treat and marched to my seat.  I smiled serenely at the other people in the room, proud of myself for mastering egg microwaving, and walking back to my seat without tripping.  I stopped just short of giving a queenly wave. 

All was calm.

Delicately, I shoved half the egg into my mouth and sunk in my teeth.  The only warning of impending doom was a faint psssshhhtt sound.  It was a soft, delicate, lady goose type sound.  I was 40 percent sure that my back end wasn't responsible, so I pulled the egg away from my gob so I could look around accusingly at my fellow breakfasters.  That's when all hell broke loose. 

As soon as the egg was a suitable distance away, it exploded, venting it's yolky spleen all over my face.   There were egg bits everywhere.  In my hair.  In my eye lashes.  In my dignity.

The sound I made was comparable to a clarinet being played by squeaky toy, which was sufficient to attracted the attention of everyone in the vicinity, so there were plenty of witnesses when I pulled a large yolk nugget from my left nostril.

grossed out mouth, disgusted mouth, egg yolk everywhere

Ladies and gentlemen, I'm here to let you know that there is no possible way to make a dignified exit from a situation involving that much egg yolk.

Especially when you are dressed as a ninja.  



  1. Well, I certainly don't have a snappy Ninja suit but then if I did I wouldn't want anyone to see me anyway. Unless I was about to kill them of course and then it's OK because that's what Ninjas do best. Besides, maybe that's a little bit cool in its own right since right before you were killed by a Ninja you could always remark to yourself, "Hey, cool I'm going to die by Ninja attack and not a whole lot of folks can say that." Anyway, I digress. I stay in a LOT of hotels too with my groovy job and couldn't agree more on the land mine fields of hotel breakfasts. Oh, and I like to eat the chocolate muffins with my yogurt. (He's dangerous that way)

    1. My death will probably be caused by a Ninja. Not an attack though. I'll probably trip over an electron that had been left carelessly on the floor, knock myself unconscious, and choke to death on my own face mask.

  2. Eggs, ninjas and mattress forts. Welcome back.

    1. Miss Annelise - It's lovely to have you back as well, even though your time away was justified by travels to exotic locations.

  3. Ah, yes. When I used to travel for work we would get a fixed amount of money per day to spend on meals and whatever we didn't spend we got to keep. So, we always staked out hotels with free breakfast and dinner. Marriott Residence Inns are the best - free breakfast AND dinner WITH BEER! Of course, I ended up spending the part that I kept on lottery tickets in the airport, so it usually came out as a wash anyway.

    1. I get per diem money as well, I'm just such a tightwad I refuse to spend any of it. Instead I hoard. Sometimes I'll stuff eggs into my cheeks to save for later, just so I don't have to buy lunch.

      Free dinner with beer?! You, good sir, have found yourself a unicorn. Hold on, and don't ever let it go.

  4. Ha! I love the breakdown of the buffet via ninja stars. How many stars am I killed with when the place HAS an omelet station, but it's just not working or being set up?! Grrrr!

    1. There is no amount of ninja stars that could repay them for the psychological damage of an omelet tease. I will give them credit for having the potential for future omelets. Too bad they will never be able to make them because they get INFINITY MINUS ONE NINJA STARS!!

  5. Oh, dear Lord. I hate hotel breakfasts. But I love the mattress fort idea! And I think you should sue someone. Obviously that egg was armed and dangerous.

    1. The more I think about the mattress fort idea, the more I think I'm a genius. How much fun would it be to bounce down the hallways and walls?

  6. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
    Humpty Dumpty puked on your face,

    1. That sounds like the first part of a definition for some horrifying sex act found on urban dictionary.

  7. Oh lordy, how I hate hotel breakfasts, not only for the abysmal food but also due to the fact that I always feel so damn conspicuous. I'm sorry for laughing a little about your eggsperience (and also for that awful pun). I don't think there are enough ninja stars in the world for that one!